HOW TO WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T

Anyone else been feeling as useless as a tits on a bull lately?

It’s more than post-uni blues. I haven’t picked up a book since February, there’s a permanent Mt-Kosciuszko-sized pile of clean (?) laundry in the corner of my room, and I’ve been telling my PT that “this is the week I get back into routine — I swear!” since I got over glandular fever seven months ago

Maybe it’s the irreversible doom of climate change looming on the horizon. Maybe it’s the gratuitously drawn out day-to-day grind of undergrad work life, 4AM start after 4A-fucking-M start. Maybe you’re on a higher dosage of antidepressants and it’s fucking slaughtering your libido and will to live hahahahahaha. Wow can you tell my therapist is on holidays? Maybe it’s coming home from a Mediterranean summer to a chronically infected toenail and scavenging for spare birth control pills on your bedroom floor because you spent your last $13 on cocktails in Mykonos. 

Any which way; how the fuck do we dig ourselves out of these (self imposed?) ditches of self pity and lethargy?

We don’t.  

That’s basically what my therapist told me last session. “Ride the wave of mediocrity. Not every day has to be a conquest.” 

So, in the spirit of priotising doing butt-fucking-nothing over tending to War-and-Peace-sized to do lists, we decided to help you out. A little checklist that we think is, well, achievable. At the very least, easier than whatever it is you have to do. 

  • Think about masturbating but fall asleep while your vibrator is charging (who are you kidding, you’re too depressed to orgasm). 
  • Get sick. 
  • When you’re at the doctors being sick, ask for a gluten intolerance test. Sure, if its positive, you can’t eat KFC anymore. But it will give you an excuse to start shopping at that overpriced organic shop, and your never-ending UTI’s will thank you for it. 
  • Start an AIDs charity. If a bunch of drunk cocaine fiend celebs can raise $6 million at Elton’s Oscar after party, so can you. 
  • Connect Tinder to your friend’s Apple TV and get her mum to help you find your next Shameful Fuck. 
  • Start the latest season of Love Island right as the finale airs. You only have to 56 hour-long episodes to catch up. 
  • Buy a slew of new books from Amazon (they’re having a sale). You don’t have the energy to read them right now, but they’ll for sure make you look smarter. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two from skimming the blurbs. 
  • Pick up a new vice. Weed? TikTok? Little Shop? The world is your oyster.
  • Sign up for free trials on Foxtel Now, Stan AND Amazon Prime. Let chaos ensue. 
  • When your best mate goes to Europe, replace her with her little brother. Even if that means driving him to the gym.  
  • Start your tax return. When you find out you actually owe the government money, don’t lodge it. 
  • Start writing Captain America x Bucky romance fanfic. Trust us, there’s a high demand. 

We hope this has been a waste of your time, it’s certainly been a waste of ours.

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