Are you there God? It’s us, Caitlin and Maddy. Sorry about this.
In 21 years of life we’ve done a lot of stuff and we’ve seen a lot of things. We are now rich in knowledge. Besides critical literary theory and the inner workings of the Russian Government’s homophobia, ‘boys’ (sadly) makes the top three topics- although the latter was strangely not included in our $35,093 Education/Communications degrees.
Therefore it is our sworn duty as educators, journalists, and friends of society to share our totally unsolicited observations on six hyper-categorised types of boys we’ve encountered in the wilderness of our youth. This might come across crude, but we think it’s funny… and informative.
PSA: Caitlin told me that we could end up like those guys that got in trouble for writing that crude article about where to find the hottest girls at university. I told her that this blog only has 24 followers, so I think we’ll be fine (and there’s no such thing as bad publicity). However, we’d like to note that we are writing this as 6’s (7’s with a good tan), with the egos of solid 10s. All comments are a direct result of this narcissistic complex, and we are not ashamed. This is also pretty rich coming from someone who struggles driving on busy roads with overpasses, and another who hasn’t cleaned her room in 12 years.
Should we have made a hierarchy of least dangerous to most dangerous? No, because they are ALL equally as dangerous. Enjoy.
The Funny Boy
TLDR: These boys can get away with almost anything. Tell me I’m hot, make me laugh, and I’m all yours.
Humour lasts. Looks do not. Well, sometimes they can (Clooney is a babe), but mostly not. These boys will make life easier. They’ll see your beginning stages of alopecia as something they can turn into a joke, rather than the worst thing that has ever happened to your face and Saturday night chat. They’ll support the meme page you haven’t posted on in two years. Sometimes they’re being mean, but say it in a funny way so it’s fine. Maybe it’s not. We’re pushovers. Whatever.
Therein lies the challenge of the funny boy; how can we tell when they’re trying to be serious? Dylan’s telling me a story about when his childhood dog died… oh am I not supposed to be laughing? Maybe you should adjust your tone.
When approaching The Funny Boy, proceed with caution. Don’t be fooled by these professional schmoozers, they are well trained in charming their way out of any situation. As my dear mother once said “Be careful Caitlin, that boy could charm his way into anything.” He did.
In saying that, we recently took two comedians out to dinner. Best weekend of our lives. Even better than my 21st birthday weekend where I threw a party, made everyone wear pink, and cut my foot open on glass.
If you can’t explain the inner workings of electrical engineering without making it into a 15 minute stand up comedy performance, jog on.
The Boy Who Is Only Hot At Work
(TLDR: This may be the most shameful category and for the sake of my dignity, I hope this website is blocked on the office server)
These boys are safely tucked away, strictly in your economic sphere. This is the guy you don’t tell your friends about. A guilty pleasure, kind of like McLeod’s Daughters. Strictly 9-5. All your colleagues think there’s a spark. Does he have a girlfriend? Maybe! Who knows – you don’t even have them on Facebook (emailing back and forth will do).
These boys are often the stars of sex dreams. The night before you didn’t even realise you liked them, but the next day at lunch you’re planning the wedding while sipping an instant coffee.
These boys can be especially dangerous in the corporate world. A nice button up shirt in a sterile office can make any boy appear above average in all categories. Also those fun bright socks they wear can nearly always act as a substitute for any decent personality traits.
Is he the one… or am I just desperate?
The Tall Boy
(TLDR: The real alphas. And they know it. Don’t let them fuck you around. I still love them.)
I’m ashamed to admit that this is my most important prerequisite for finding a boy. Maybe it’s just my primal instincts looking forward to the most evolved of the species. Sometimes I wish tinder would let me swipe according to height. We’re busy girls – six hours of underpaid part time work AND getting drunk every weekend really takes its toll. I just do not have the time to swipe left to boys who are “nearly 6 foot” or “5”9 so close enough!! ;-P” No. Please stop it.
Shout out to the boys who put “6”8 because apparently it’s important?!” Yes, it is important. Keep it up and don’t listen to the haters. Also slide into my dms, I’m single.
Tall boys make you feel like a teeny tiny little fairy, even when you’re wearing your biggest stomping boots. And who cares if they have a lazy eye – you won’t see it when they’re 6”7.
The only negative about these boys is that every one of them has broken my heart. Can Jack from The Flying Cock PLEASE open my message from three years ago. I want to know if your leg is okay.
Sincere apologies if this comes off height-ist or just plain discriminatory towards those below 6”4. I can’t help it. It’s who I am. I’m allowed to have a preference. Maybe you don’t like hot and witty blondes with a great ass? You’re allowed that opinion.
The Smart Boy
(TLDR: These boys could get away with murder, they’re THAT smart— and manipulative)
Good grammar is hot. The amount of boys I have encountered who fail to distinguish between there/they’re/their and too/two/to really makes me question the education system. Learn your homophones. Maybe if you spent less time playing Flappy Bird we could have had something special. Speaking of dumb things that could have been corrected in Year 10; if I talk to one more boy who asks me to define ‘hyperbolic’, I will take a vow of abstinence.
My new benchmark is the Bachelor— Matt Agnew. If we can’t have a hot, sexy, intellectual conversation about the ins and outs of astrophysics or Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto — get out of my bed. JOKING. Just put on my prescription glasses and hold me tight.
Only apply caution with these boys when they start to undermine you. They’re not Albert Einstein. Sometimes they’ve just watched too many documentaries or spent too much time completing both the required and recommended readings during their undergrad degree. There is a line between smart and schmuck.
The Boy With The Great Facial Hair
(TLDR: These are the everyday heroes that participate in Movember all year round)
You can always trust this boy to create a little bit of healthy debate amongst the girls. Is he the sun, moon and stars or just pulling off an excellent moustache?
I recently watched a full game of AFL for the first time ever. The only thing I took away from the game is that Ivan Soldo is my future husband. His moustache is so large and so spectacular in form that I think it actually scored more points than the entire GWS team. Congrats Ivan, your hairy accessory was the real winner of that premiership.
Big ups to the boys like Ivan who are out there doing honest work and putting on a show all year round. But, we understand that mo’s can be a bold choice, and that’s why God gave us the month of November. This is the best month of the year, and not just because it was when I was born. No, this is the one time of year where basically every boy in Australia attempts to grow a moustache. Some succeed, some don’t, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s for a great cause AND everyone automatically becomes a 10 in my eyes.
Special shoutout to the boys with a singular slug across their lip who clearly don’t have the genetics to produce the goods. The ambition’s there, and it’s hot.
The Boy You Would Never Introduce To Your Mum
(TLDR: Times are desperate. You probably just texted him “are we doing it tonight or what?”)
These boys can be defined as “the chase in its finest form.” You’ve really got to work the most for this one, but usually reap the least benefits (did someone say a fake orgasm and a UTI?). An asshole in so many languages.
He’s the guy you always bump into on the dance floor and asks you to buy him a vodka raspberry because you have “history”. After making out in the corner for a couple of hours (most likely too much tongue) you split an Uber back to his share-house. He promises to cook you eggs in the morning. He promises you the world. But please remember, only between the hours of 1-3am. To your heart and stomach’s despair, he wakes you up at 6am and asks you to leave because he has to go to the gym. Um Nick, your triceps are big enough already. Please don’t make me sit shamefully in a gutter and wait for my DiDi.
But hey, you do it all anyway, because he’s hot and said you were pretty once. Hauntingly relatable, or is that just me? Bonus points for the nights you see him kissing another girl in front of you after you tell him you have your period.
Eventually you will propose the doomed question: “could anything serious happen between us?” Obviously not. But still, anything’s worth a shot in this lonely world.
You will eventually come to your senses. Maybe it’s after he doesn’t reply to that really funny meme you tagged in him. Maybe he starts dating that girl who, merely one week ago, was ‘just a friend’. Maybe he doesn’t wish you a happy 21st birthday. Maybe your friends simply slap some sense into you over brunch and a bad hangover.
In summary, these boys are fun, but don’t get attached. No one can ever meet them – not your mother, your father, your sister, your cat, or fuck it, even that little spider living in your bathroom. NO ONE – do you hear us? Good.
Upon post-article reflection it is glaringly obvious that we are stuck up pieces of shit who have spent way too long on this analysis. But also, consider this a bible. And a warning. Are you there, God? It’s us, Caitlin and Maddy. Sorry about this.
Perhaps we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.