OUR PATHETIC ODE TO 2019

2019 was…something. We had the highest of highs, but also some crushing lows. We rehabilitated Caitlin’s purebred ragdoll cat back to life, nursed a chronic ingrown toenail for five months, broke some hearts, and had some broken hearts. Honestly, it could not get any messier if we tried. In honour of Officially Giving Up, we decided to let an astrology app rule our lives sporadically throughout the end of the decade. We couldn’t commit to every day because hey, we have shit to do. Independence is very important for a woman’s personal growth. 

Co Star is an app where you provide your birthdate AND the exact time you were born. This allows you to get perfectly accurate astrological advice, or something. We love science. We decided to dive head first into astrological physics because we are bored and we’ve already made too many decisions this year (such include switching from iced lattes to iced long blacks, eliminating strawberries from our diet for gut health, and ceasing to bleach our blonde hair to prevent hair loss). Exhausting stuff. 

Spoiler: Caitlin is (usually) the one rambling about true love. 

9/12/19:
Rearrange your room.  
I have been eagerly anticipating this week of astrology for a while. Surely, this app will equip me with little bursts of motivation to steer me on the path to love and happiness! I am ready to be the best version of myself! 

Get fucked. Is that all? You can imagine my disdain when this little sucker appeared. Much like an in-grown hair right before a beach holiday, this was extremely unwelcome. I already know my room needs rearranging – I think I’ve received this exact message (verbally and with force) from my mother 43 times in the last year. One time a boy came over and he even he told me to clean it (he also compared me to his hoarder Aunty). Zero. Incentive. I don’t do things because boys tell me to do it. Or apps. Fucking see ya.

9/12/19
Trust your instincts: Today is not a good day to try to have fun with others. Give yourself permission to forget. 
This little monster popped up the day I was meant to experience a private beach horse ride with two of my best friends. I interpreted this as trusting my instincts and giving myself permission to forget this entire horoscope. Fuck off Co Star. 

18/12/19:
Love is possible: Today’s moon transit is asking you to be open to new opportunities. Hide how you feel so you can get things done. Something or someone from your past may pop up.
This popped up on my phone when I was sad about love (what’s new?). Is Co-Star taunting me? Or does this app know something that I don’t? Time will tell. I decided to listen to the advice of ‘hiding my feelings to be productive’ by being brave and attending my five hour casual shift at a burger restaurant. I got a lot of things done and I made a lot of burgers. I’m still sad. 

In order to fulfil my prophecy for today I decided to have a look on tinder. After 3 swipes of self-hate I was feeling worse than ever. So far, love remains impossible. If anything was going to fix this situation it would be a Netflix Original romantic comedy. Always Be My Maybe had been highly recommended, so I pressed play. It was cute, my eyes got wet, and I suddenly had the desire to become a celebrity chef. But I still wasn’t totally convinced about their relationship. Love is possible…but is it necessary? 

18/12/19
It’s okay to want things for yourself: You are in a safe place to form or end a relationship. 
I am a very selfish person, so this pleased me greatly. It is okay to want things for myself. This morning I asked my brother to drive me straight into the city for work instead of walking to the train station. He said fuck off and that he filled the car up with petrol the last three times. Sorry that I’m still broke from my lavish Europe holiday 6 months ago and I live beyond my means. I had to break it to you mate, but you’re gonna be paying for that petrol for a while longer. When does it become socially unacceptable to ask your 19-year-old brother for $5 to get your through the day? Asking for a friend. 

In other news, good to hear that I am in a safe space. The bad news is that I have no relationship to end. I also have no relationship to form. Maybe I’ll start cozying up to some people with money. One of my new year’s resolutions is to purchase a horse. Watch this space. 

19/12/19
Perfection is not the goal: It is easier than usual to express your individual genius. Hatch a conspiracy with your closest friends. 
For a lot of my life, perfection has been the absolute final necessary goal. This was until I entered university and realised life and academics is actually very difficult. As a result, I lowered my standards of perfection in my personal life and my love life. I’d love to say things have gotten better since, but my body count just increased and I gained a bit of weight. MOVING ON. 

After some deliberation and past reflection, I have decided I will not be hatching anymore conspiracies- especially with friends. I tried this once in my younger days and it didn’t turn out favourably. I had consumed 23 drinks and fallen down a flight of stairs and was in the perfect headspace to formulate a master plan to break up a relationship. Don’t judge me… I thought I was helping a friend with love. The conspiracy travelled like wildfire and my little rumour suddenly became much larger than I intended it to be. Despite my best intentions, the target of my plot was left quite emotionally tortured (but hey, you get that on the big jobs). To top the whole fiasco off, the couple only grew stronger as they battled through adversity. So that’s me out. 

19/12/19
You’re hot, and everyone knows it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. 
This could not have come at a better time. I’m only a strong 6.5, but I have a strange narcissistic personality trait where I think I’m top shit. I have heaps of hot friends who are a lot hotter than me, and yet I constantly find myself admiring my incredible legs/face/boobs/elbows as they complain about how fat they are. It’s just like that scene in Fleabag where she wakes up the day of her mother’s funeral looking spectacular, except it’s my LIFE. 

Honestly, things could be worse, but it had been keeping me up at night. I am a self-obsessed monster? Thank fuck for Co Star and their virtual confirmation that others have caught on about how hot I am. Not just others, but everyone. From now on, I will not be doing anything that someone else could do for me. Hello sir, why yes I am very hot thank you for noticing, can you please fix my dishwasher? I will not be lifting a finger in 2020. Thanking you. 

20/12/19
Healthy love will not lead you off the edge of a cliff: Today is a good day to have fun with others. Be assertive, bold, and fearless. 
Wow I actually think this app is out to get me, why do they keep hammering me with statements of love. Has my ex hacked Co Star as some form of productive revenge? So fucking snide. Maybe I do have trouble finding The One and making sustainable relationship decisions. It’s hard out there for a girl with so many admirable qualities. Isn’t love just obsession? Doesn’t sound very healthy to me. I’ll be steering clear of that for a little bit longer. Thanking myself. 

Assertive, bold, and fearless are most definitely not the three adjectives I would choose to describe myself. Day turned into night and I still wasn’t feeling energised enough to fulfil this portion of Thursday’s Co Star prophecy. Alas, I had made a promise to myself and there is no time quite like the present. So, I decided to message a boy I’ve been frothing over on insta for a few years- Stormzy. 

I needed to formulate a message which showcased my intellectual and witty personality. I settled for “you’re hot.” He didn’t reply, but I tried my best and I think I am very brave. Nevertheless, I still honestly believe he might be The One and I’m going to continue to pretend his song Birthday Girl was written as a tribute to me

20/12/19
What if you thought of love as beautiful, momentary intermissions breaking up the hard multi-act play of life?
Ouch. Can you please go back to telling me I’m hot and everyone knows it? I’m not completely sure, but I think Costar is trying to tell me that my life sucks, and that I should start romanticising hookups with dickheads on the dance floor on a Saturday night to forget the “hard multi-act play of (my) life”? Hmm. I have had a few spectacularly shitty stand out moments over the years but please – boys are not always the answer. I usually handle them like the mature, intellectual, hot (I’m never going to stop mentioning that) woman I am – crying, whilst stuffing my face with the brownie cake Caitlin made for me and sinking Lemon Lime vodka cruisers.

As a result of being Co Star’s little bitch, we have realised that we’re actually quite fragile, but also very brave…and super hot. And at least we’re not BORING. Would we hand our lives over to Co Star again? Well yes. We do all the same stupid shit regardless, so it was nice to have an excuse for once. I know we rambled about true love quite a lot. We LOVE love okay, and (spoiler) that’s not going to change in 2020. 

Until next time,

xx

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