GIRLS

Billy D’Arcy has kindly offered to talk about one of his favourite subjects. Thanking you, Billy.

Who am I? It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is I’ve been on SBS4 and once hooked up with a 9. Both of these achievements will be put on my gravestone and are the reason you should listen to me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get on SBS as a straight white male? Have you even been on SBS?! Jesus Christ, get your life together. Actually, just let me do it for you. Here’s all the chicks you’ll encounter on your climb to greatness. 

The Hot Girl:
This girl is hot. Like 9000 followers on a private account hot. Does she know it though? Well, she posed in a crop top at her nan’s funeral so yes, yes she does. You can have a run at her with your best bant and who knows what could happen. Your mate Jason’s girlfriend is this hot, it could happen to you. Only, they met in Year 7 and most hot chicks prefer Samoan blokes. You might think you’re funny but after watching the hot chick laugh along with the Cronulla Sharks’ halfback, you’ll second guess yourself. Remember, behind this girl’s intimidating exterior is a normal person. She may even have some insecurities herself. Nah that’s just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better. When it comes to hot girls, you must swing for the fences early. If she’s not a massive bitch she will be scooped up by the ripe old age of 23. So get in quick. Make her laugh and ask her out before she has the chance to notice your sloppy rig.

The Sad Girl:
This girl knows depression is not a joke, unless she’s joking about it. All she talks about is being sad, alone, and horny. Surely it should make her more attainable? Well strap in and pretend to like anime, you’ve got yourself a sad girl. She loves Twitter and hates girls who don’t hate themselves. But there is something about her. Maybe it’s her dry wit, maybe it’s the photo of her in the Sailor Moon outfit that’s way too small. It’s hard to say. This girl is banterous as hell when the mood strikes, unfortunately it only strikes twice a year. If you hook onto a sad girl, get ready to clean up a lot of her last boyfriend’s messes. And don’t call her beautiful unless you want to get dumped.

The Retail Girl:
This girl works at Glassons or General Pants but ‘wants to get into the fashion industry someday’. With this statement she turns a dead-end job into a career stepping stone. What a rebrand. She really should work in PR. Besides, everyone knows the epicentre of fashion is your local Westfield. 

These girls are hot, but usually nice due to the extremely humbling nature of retail. Hard to be a bitch when a mother of four just called you incompetent. This girl can live a saga of dramas before lunch, even with only a single customer entering the store. Considering she spends all day on Instagram, she’s yet to wrap her head around the internet’s impact on the retail industry. Still, these girls are all round pretty solid unless they work at Kookai; those girls are fucked.

The Retail Manager Girl:
Like the last girl, but a massive bitch.

The Career Girl:
This girl is on a rocket ship straight to the top of some industry. Don’t worry if you don’t have her on LinkedIn, she will tell you all about it. Always frantically on the move. Working. Studying. Working. Studying. Get ready to have your ego threatened as this chick gets after it. After what exactly? No one knows for sure. She either wants to be a lawyer or a radio host or both. Get in at the ground level as this girl is gonna be making bank. When going after a career girl, make sure you pack extra compliments for her and insults for her co-workers. They don’t want to work 14 hours a day? Yeah, they’re bitches. Due to putting all their eggs in one basket, the career girl is more prone to breakdowns than most. A poor mark on her assignment will pretty much fuck up your whole weekend. “No babe you’re so talented and work so hard you’re gonna be fine.” She didn’t hear you over her Jordan Peterson podcast. These girls cast friends and family aside as they chase success, and one day you will most likely be replaced by her 37-year- old boss.

The Girl Who Is Your Mates Ex Girl:
Don’t do it.
But you got along so well?
Don’t do it.
It’s been three years since they broke up.
Don’t do it.
I doubt he’d care.
Don’t do it.
You always liked her.
Don’t do it.
He’s moved to Canada.
He’s gone for one semester, don’t do it you absolute piece of shit.

The Girl Next Door:
This girl is what it’s all about. She’s beautiful and funny and driven. She gets your weirder jokes and rips into you harder than your mates. And for some reason she doesn’t think you’re a complete piece of shit. Where’s Judd Apatow to capture this magic. You know her from playing mixed tennis as a kid or working together at Maccas or some weird shit. Your paths would otherwise not have crossed. It’s almost like it’s… destiny?!? The girl next door wears converse shoes on a Saturday night and likes Catfish and the Bottlemen as much as you. Holy shit this chick is The One. Buckle up and get ready to make or break your next six months. Next time you run into her at the pub, pray you’ve had exactly six beers and tell her she’s the best girl in there. If she tells you to beat it; you can (and should) take it personally.

Upon Reflection:
The main group you really need to worry about is THE LADS. They’re the most important. Because at the end of the day, whatever girl you go for, there is a high chance that she will break your cricket-obsessed heart. Get ready for your mates to see you cry. It’s wild out there. 

Billy D’Arcy is a Sydney comedian who has the best chat this side of the equator. Get around his funny pod ‘Get Around Me’ available on Spotify and iTunes. Spread the hype on literally every social media platform he has; Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter and Tik Tok (lol). 

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