Firstly, thank you for all these questions, we were both pleasantly overwhelmed by the response after a meeting about lowering our expectations to only a couple of submissions. ALAS, we offered love advice and the people flocked towards us. What can we do. We are Brisbane’s greatest gurus. Due popular demand (and to give the people something to look forward to in lockdown) we have decided to publish these in instalments. If you don’t see your Q’s here, keep your eyes peeled for Part 2.
Some of this is banter, and some is serious. We can’t even distinguish the difference ourselves. It’s nice to see we’re all as hopeless as each other.
Q: How do I not go back to boys I know are bad for me whilst in lockdown. I’m not going to see them or anything but I’m so tempted to message them for that dumb ass human connection UGH. Boys suck
Dear Desperately Seeking That Dumb Ass Human Connection,
C: Whatever you do…don’t stop contacting them! Who knows, they could be The One! We all need a bit of virtual excitement during lockdown – plus, they might even share their Disney+ log in with you (Side note: could someone pls send me their Disney+ log in, I (controversially) want to get into Star Wars).
M: This is lockdown, and God’s, ultimate test. Only the best of us will make it out of this period without contacting someone they shouldn’t (Caitlin has obviously already broken this). Be in that top percentile (but don’t get disheartened if you crack). When I’m feeling vulnerable, I like to reminisce on season four episode 15 of Grey’s Anatomy when Cristina Yang gave the ultimate hype up. See quote:
Q: What do you do if you are in love with your best friend?? They know but said they just wanna be friends ://
Dear Friendzone Fever,
C: Personally, I’ve never been in love with a best friend because I already spend too much time with them and I love some me-time. Focus on the negatives. For example, Maddy only eats plain food and still doesn’t like dogs. Poof! Easy! All love is lost. Alternatively, block them on everything and give them some space. This is the perfect opportunity to get into Grey’s Anatomy.
M: This is arguably the best time for this to be happening to you. No one should be hanging out with their best friend right now, so you’ll both be getting some space (unless you live with them, in that case I am so sorry). In the meantime, can I suggest distracting yourself with a new obsession. They don’t have to move mountains, they just need to be someone you can stalk on the internet. Best of luck.
Q: I’m in love with someone overseas and now I can’t meet/date any Aussies to take my mind off her because quarantine tings.
Dear Miss(ing) Worldwide,
C: We’ve all longed after someone simply due to the fact that we cannot have them. It’s just the rules of feminism and something I have become far too accustomed to. I cannot offer any sound advice on this topic as sometimes I still catch myself pondering whether my Year 10 boyfriend is The One.
M: There is nothing more appealing than someone 15,000km away. That is the ultimate chase. Alas, it cannot be. Not only can we not travel overseas, I’m pretty sure social activity is currently limited to your own suburb. So, forget Mrs Worldwide. It’s time to go local. Set your Tinder radius to 1km and swipe right to literally everyone. (Please note yet again Caitlin is not able to offer any sound advice).
Q: Hey girls! I’m the worst at throwing chat online and I’m feeling particularly lonely during this whole pandemic kerfuffle, so I was hoping to get your professional advice on the best method of sliding into someone’s dm’s to help cure my self-isolation blues. Thanks x
Dear Lousy Chat,
C: I like to warm up my chat on Tinder/Hinge/Bumble. Treat it like a dress rehearsal. The clientele on these apps are lonely and up for anything. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself afterwards. I always talk to boys as if I have a fake tan, freshly blonde hair, and false lashes. I suggest you do the same and your confidence (and witty chat) will ooze out. I once attempted to slide into a boy’s dm’s with a message of: “you’re hot.” He never replied, but he probably just had a bad internet connection. Give it a shot and keep me updated.
M: For once, Caitlin has actually pulled some quality advice out of her ass. To add, if you already have a target in mind (and have completed said dress rehearsal) react to their story on Instagram. It’s meek, but effective. Only use 😂or 😢to start. Wait for the perfect time to strike. It can only be when the story is really funny, or really sad. Only after you’ve hooked up more than once you can use 😍or 🔥. Sorry, we don’t make the rules (I literally just made up these rules).
I just want dick :((
Dear I Just Want Dick,
Q: Should I go mountain biking with a stranger in a remote forest for a first date because it’s okay to exercise together LOL. He is a new match and I know it sounds risky, but u gotta take risks for love right?
Dear Sons of Anarchy,
C: We’re all too familiar with the sexual tension that comes after mountain biking. It’s probably best to not risk the social distancing hazards which are sure to ensue. I couldn’t agree more re: taking risks for love, but how about we tone it down a little and take smaller risks, eg. don’t bother wearing pants on your video chats.
M: First of all, I would pay to see Caitlin on a mountain bike seeing as she never learnt to ride a normal one. Second of all, mountain bikes have a mind of their own. God knows if they’ll stay 1.5 metres away from each other. Don’t even get us started on helmet hair. Please, stay home.
Maddy thinks she can give love advice
Dear You Are Wrong,
C: Yes, I have suffered this problem a thousand times. “Caitlin, he is not The One, stop messaging him.” / “Just because he’s tall doesn’t mean he’s hot.” / “Caitlin, I swear to god if you meet up with him tonight…” (In hindsight, this was actually all very good advice). Nevertheless, thanks for leaving me out of this attack, but you obviously don’t know me very well. As I have not had a real boyfriend since high school, Maddy wins on the love advice.
M: See all my previous responses in defense to this. Also, please let me clarify re: Caitlin’s ‘high school boyfriend’. He was in high school. She was not.
Q: Okay so…I’m stuck in isolation with my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great! However he wants to do anal?!?! I don’t think I’m ready ;(
Dear We Know Who You Are,
C: If he’s hot, then yes.
M: No one is ever “ready”, but what’s life without risk?
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