HOW TO HAVE A WET ASS MONSOON SUMMER

It’s officially the beginning of summer. Last year, our lord saviour and creator Megan Thee Stallion carried us into the hot, dry, and traumatic summer that was 2019 with her hit ‘Hot Girl Summer’. If you can cast your eyes back to November of last year; there were bushfires ravishing the country, two of our best friends were gallivanting across Europe wearing multiple layers of cashmere, and Maddy’s mum still refused to install aircon. But, for Megan, we threw ourselves into having the best Hot Girl Summer we possibly could—looking hot whilst being physically quite overheated—with the help of our official How To Have a Hot Girl Summer bucket list. Look, we gave it our all; we lived our truth, we turned up, we drove the boat—until March body slammed us into our homes, locked away from all Hot Girl fun. 

That is all in the past now. The El Camino Cantina (?) winds are coming in strong. Something we have not seen since 2010 is back. No, it’s not the Brisbane floods (although a repeat could be on the horizon). It is, in fact, something much better: MONSOON SEASON. And it seems that, much like she did with ‘Hot Girl Summer’, Megan has managed to predict the fate of another Australian summer well in advance with her and Cardi’s 2020 hit, ‘Wet Ass Pussy’. She appears to possess some sort of Karen Smith/meteorologist powers. It’s like she has ESPN or something. 

We have been told by multiple sources that labelling an Australian summer a “monsoon season” doesn’t automatically mean it won’t be hot. To that, we say, shhhhh…..this article will politely decline the existence of humidity. This summer will be wet, slippery, and worry free. It’s all about recovering from the fuckery that was the bushfires, being locked inside, and not being totally gorgeous 24/7. 

Now bring a bucket, and a mop. And maybe get your boots and your coat. For this Wet Ass Monsoon Summer. 

This is The Ultimate WET ASS MONSOON SUMMER GIRL Bucket List. 

Seek Shelter on the Retros Stage 
If the Fortitude Valley main strip gets a bit slippery, it’s important for a Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl to have an evacuation plan and flee to high ground. Luckily, we know just the spot: the crates in the back corner of Retros. In order to guarantee your safety, start buttering up the Retros manager Dan. Alternatively, attempt to locate some rouge VIP passes that we have accidentally let slip from our fingers across Brisbane—the Horcruxes of clubbing, if you will.

Get Really Good At All The Swimming Strokes
It’s time we accept our fate that the world is going to go under. Reliable(ish) sources say the Gold Coast is first. This does beg the question of the country’s sudden desire to gentrify Burleigh if it’s only going to be with us for another 2-3 years, but that’s for another day (if we have it). The possibility of monsoon floods or just completely going under means that it is vital that a Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl knows all four swimming strokes…even butterfly. You never know when you might need it. 

Use Jetstar Credit to Travel Outside of Queensland 
Every Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl has a vice and ours is spontaneously booking interstate travel during a pandemic (hey, at least we don’t still listen to Sticky Fingers). We’ve got more money tied up in our Jetstar flights than is currently in our own bank account, but sue us for chasing fun. We haven’t checked the expiry date for these but we are determined to follow dreams, dodge covid hotspots, and dance in the rain. We’ve already given Queensland everything we have and it’s time to do some damage elsewhere. All Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girls should be thinking the same. Also, we really want to go to Darwin. 

Hook up with a Meteorologist
A Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl should always have a professional on their side, or anyone in the news industry really (to the tall hottie that does the silly stories on Channel Nine’s 6pm news, we love you so so much). “Maddy I’ll pop over in a sec, I’m just watching this segment on the sudden increase in butterflies.” Having a meteorologist around will save you the good nine seconds it would take to Google the current weather. Instead, just turn to your right and ask, “Hey what’s the weather like?!” and he says “WET” How could we forget? Of course, it’s monsoon season. 

Safely Fall in Love On a 14 Degree Day in December 
It’s raining. There’s a breeze. Your (seasonal) asthma finally isn’t playing up and your curtain fringe hasn’t curled with sweat. This never happens. Something (somewhat) special is in the air. It’s not mozzies, fruit bats, or even a gust of orange fiery wind. It’s safe love. Don’t ask us for exact details or dates, this is all we can tell you. Better things just happen when a Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl isn’t too hot and isn’t too cold. And we’re assuming that’s safe love.  

Save Money to Move Out By Sustaining Yourself Purely On Tank Rain Water 
We bet Cardi B never has to pay her water bill and neither should a Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl. This one is fairly self-explanatory. Cut all your ties to government utilities and finally be free this monsoon season. 

Get into Indoor Sports 
Recently we’ve really been getting into the AFL. Who in Brisbane hasn’t? Unfortunately, the stress of Brisbane bringing home their first premiership in seventeen years is really keeping us up at night. Also, the last time we went, it rained so hard that we could barely see the ball, let alone their calf muscles (in hindsight, this should’ve been a tell tale sign that monsoon season was well on its way). It’s officially time for every Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl to make the brave switch to indoor sports. Luckily, the NBL is just about to kick into gear. They’re just as tall as AFL boys but they slide slightly more under the radar and you don’t have to stress about bursting any (covid) bubbles. In saying this, we would love some tickets to the AFL Grand Final xx 

Lower Expectations of Wet Ass Monsoon Summer
It’s always fun to romanticise things—like your ‘connection’ with the hot receptionist at your chiropractor— but let’s be real, monsoon summer season is going to be wet and sticky, but probably not for the right reasons. Plus, the ripples along the Brisbane River are actually looking strong enough to bring on a small flood. In all honesty, we’re most likely all just going to have to learn how to look hot in a raincoat. 

So, as you can see we’re going to be very busy over the monsoon summer. The grind truly never stops. See how many of these you can tick off to become your ultimate Wet Ass Monsoon Summer Girl self. Whether we like it or not, Wet Ass Monsoon Summer is here, and it’s here to stay. So, slide on your floaties and dare to dream to wear that jumper just that little bit longer. Stay cold. Stay wet. Mwah.

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